No hair, no boobs, where is my feminine?

I think people are naturally curious. Most are also very gracious. When my hair was gone, and I would run into people who did not know I was on chemo, not one person dared mention my hair loss. I think for some, it was just to much reality, for others it elicited a fear that many woman have. The fear  that they themselves  may one day have to endure the side effects of cancer treatment.  One devistating side affect  is hair loss, another is often the loss of one or both breasts.

I remember getting out of the shower bald and breastless one day. I caught a glimpse of myself in the misty mirror. For just a moment I could see myself as a ghost. It was eerie and I said out loud " Holy shit Mer, you are beat up. " I replied to the ghost in the mirror " but I'm still standing mother fucker!"

I realized that I had picked up the sailor language of my late brother who recently passed away from cancer. I laughed out loud and thanked him for inspiring toughness in me as a child sibling. I also notice just how much I looked like him, without my breasts and hair.

I have always been a bit of a tom boy but this day, I felt like I was genderless. Just some creature transitioning through this world. I realized that much of what makes a woman feel feminine had been taken from me by the beast. Cancer has a way of stripping you down to your essence, which I found has very little to do with hair and boobs. Loosing my hair and breasts was humbling beyond words. No one ever thinks that such extreme things will happen to them and when you are wrong,  it is indeed traumatizing.

Trauma changes your perspective and deepens your thoughts about the way you spend  your life.  I have always been  a nurturer and have mothered many kids in addition to my own. My favorite role in life is that of mother. The thought of my children being orphans  strikes a raw nerve in me that makes me cry every time I think of it. It also motivates me to work hard at wellness. It was key in my decision to take a sabbatical from work and try to tweak out a life that is more in keeping with my feminine motherly instincts. They say that when a person looses one of their senses, that the others perk up and make up for it. I dare say, that loosing some of the aspects of my femininity to the beast, has most definitely perked my mothering instincts. I have also learned that darkness is always balanced with light. This, I love.



Tomorrow: The side affect no one talks about, "chemo brain"

I always thought If I got breast cancer I would just get a mastectomy.

When I was diagnosed in January of 2009 with Invasive Lobular breast cancer I did what I had always said I would. I had a double mastectomy. I was very naive and thought that would be the end of breast cancer risk for me.  It was a tall price to pay but the peace of mind it gave me was worth it. I did not do chemo or radiation as my tumor was only 1 centimeter in size. I improved my diet, my life and joined a forum that focused on natural means of cancer prevention. I was a good student and had very good self discipline. I felt lucky, and also a bit smug, like I had dodged a bullet. Recurrence rates were said to be about 1% after a double mastectomy. I knew it would not happen to me.

Much to my shock, 11 months later I found a lump in my near arm pit. A biopsy revealed that it was indeed a local recurrence. I was told that as much as they try, the surgeons never get 100% of the breast tissue during a mastectomy. It was a hard pill to swallow, looking at my chest which was now concave with huge scars. This time the cancer was less than one centimeter. I had it surgically removed and did 4 courses of Chemo. I opted out of radiation as I thought with this tiny tumor, radiation might be over kill. I was trying to take care of the cancer with as little damage to the rest of me as possible.

8 months later my worst nightmare came true when I found another lump hiding in my arm pit.

The reason I decided to write about this is because I don't want anyone else to be as naive as I was when first diagnosed. A mastectomy certainly does not guarantee that you will not have a recurrence. You must stay diligent and do exams on yourself daily. I have two doctors who did not find my lumps during examinations. Neither did they show up on mammogram or thermagram.

The best way to tell if your breasts have a problem? Check um!



Tomorrow: There are several types of chemo for breast cancer. How I made my decisions.