No hair, no boobs, where is my feminine?

I think people are naturally curious. Most are also very gracious. When my hair was gone, and I would run into people who did not know I was on chemo, not one person dared mention my hair loss. I think for some, it was just to much reality, for others it elicited a fear that many woman have. The fear  that they themselves  may one day have to endure the side effects of cancer treatment.  One devistating side affect  is hair loss, another is often the loss of one or both breasts.

I remember getting out of the shower bald and breastless one day. I caught a glimpse of myself in the misty mirror. For just a moment I could see myself as a ghost. It was eerie and I said out loud " Holy shit Mer, you are beat up. " I replied to the ghost in the mirror " but I'm still standing mother fucker!"

I realized that I had picked up the sailor language of my late brother who recently passed away from cancer. I laughed out loud and thanked him for inspiring toughness in me as a child sibling. I also notice just how much I looked like him, without my breasts and hair.

I have always been a bit of a tom boy but this day, I felt like I was genderless. Just some creature transitioning through this world. I realized that much of what makes a woman feel feminine had been taken from me by the beast. Cancer has a way of stripping you down to your essence, which I found has very little to do with hair and boobs. Loosing my hair and breasts was humbling beyond words. No one ever thinks that such extreme things will happen to them and when you are wrong,  it is indeed traumatizing.

Trauma changes your perspective and deepens your thoughts about the way you spend  your life.  I have always been  a nurturer and have mothered many kids in addition to my own. My favorite role in life is that of mother. The thought of my children being orphans  strikes a raw nerve in me that makes me cry every time I think of it. It also motivates me to work hard at wellness. It was key in my decision to take a sabbatical from work and try to tweak out a life that is more in keeping with my feminine motherly instincts. They say that when a person looses one of their senses, that the others perk up and make up for it. I dare say, that loosing some of the aspects of my femininity to the beast, has most definitely perked my mothering instincts. I have also learned that darkness is always balanced with light. This, I love.



Tomorrow: The side affect no one talks about, "chemo brain"

Loosing my hair from Chemo- a spiritual epiphany

The first time I did chemo I was very lucky to not use my hair. I felt a bit smug like I had beat the odds.  Unfortunately when I had to do chemo for the second time, it was with a much more toxic cocktail and I was told without a doubt I would loose my hair. I tried to prepare the best I could with a nice collection of hats and scarves, and even a  piece of fake bangs to clip on to the front of a scarf. I thought I was as prepared as I could be, but nothing prepared me for what happened the day it came out.

I woke up to a pillow full of long blond strands. I was afraid to go look in the mirror and it took me some time to get up the courage. I was spotty with clumps still in tact but when I would  put my hand in my hair it would come away full. Looking every bit as hideous as I had imagined, I stood there stunned, suddenly full of my reality.

The wind was blowing outside so I decided to just go outside and shake my head. I went to one of my gardens where a garden angel looks after my plantings. She has hands that cup and I put a huge glob of hair there for the birds to retrieve and use for nests. I thought, something good has to come out of this very humbling experience. I did cry, and asked the universe to help me understand why this was happening to me. I felt I had already had my share of stress and hard times.

It was then that a puff of air blew a good portion of my hair into the wind. I watched it go and a profound thought came to me. If I could let go of past hurts and resentments, it would go a long way towards my total healing. Suddenly I wanted the hair off. I started rubbing my head with all my might and each time I looked up there was hair flying away. With each glance I imagined all kinds of things leaving me, hate, grudges, past indiscretions. All gone with the wind. I returned to the house bald, but with an unburdened spirit.

 I knew in an instant that I had been given a gift. Most people never have the reason to look deeply into their own soul. Breast cancer makes you do that.