Chemo Brain- What is it?

 Here is a good clinical definition:

By Mayo Clinic staff
Chemo brain is a common term used by cancer survivors to describe thinking and memory problems that can occur after cancer treatment. Chemo brain can also be called chemo fog, cognitive changes or cognitive dysfunction.
Though chemo brain is a widely used term, it's misleading. It's not yet clear that chemotherapy is the cause of concentration and memory problems in cancer survivors. And many cancer survivors with memory problems still score well on cognitive tests, leaving doctors wondering whether chemo brain really exists.
Despite the many questions, it's clear that the memory problems commonly called chemo brain can be a frustrating and debilitating side effect of cancer and its treatment. More study is needed to understand this condition.

Signs and symptoms of chemo brain may include:

Being unusually disorganized

Confusion

Difficulty concentrating

Difficulty finding the right word

Difficulty learning new skills

Difficulty multitasking

Fatigue

Feeling of mental fogginess

Short attention span

Short-term memory problems

Taking longer than usual to complete routine tasks

Trouble with verbal memory, such as remembering a conversation

Trouble with visual memory, such as recalling an image or list of words

Signs and symptoms of cognitive or memory problems vary from person to person and are typically temporary, often subsiding within two years of completion of cancer treatment.

Some addtional things I experienced include the following:

Black outs during active chemo and for a few days after, repeating myself because I could not remember what I had said previously, and forgetting conversations I had with family. I also experienced extreme dizziness and found my face on the cement sidewalk outside my house, without being able to recall how I fell. I could not remember my birthday, my age,  the name of my doctor, the name of the clinic, nor the names of any one I met while high on chemo. I also got lost driving more than once in my home town.

It's been 6 months since my last chemo and my brain if just now waking up. I still struggle with spacial and short term memory, but my focus is much improved. When I asked the oncology staff why I was not told about these side effects the response was, because not everyone gets them. I was aghast that I was not better prepared for such extreme side effects. Knowing  that I could continue to have symptoms up to two years has me a little freaked out,  but everyday I work on improving my brain.

People often think that once a patient is finished with the poison hell called chemo, and there is no other cancer detected, that the ordeal is over. I am here to tell you that is not true. It is a long road out of purgatory, and the exit doors are aflame. They make you stand in them for about 30 days before they let you out.

Tomorrow: Radiation therapy, a month of sadistic torture

No hair, no boobs, where is my feminine?

I think people are naturally curious. Most are also very gracious. When my hair was gone, and I would run into people who did not know I was on chemo, not one person dared mention my hair loss. I think for some, it was just to much reality, for others it elicited a fear that many woman have. The fear  that they themselves  may one day have to endure the side effects of cancer treatment.  One devistating side affect  is hair loss, another is often the loss of one or both breasts.

I remember getting out of the shower bald and breastless one day. I caught a glimpse of myself in the misty mirror. For just a moment I could see myself as a ghost. It was eerie and I said out loud " Holy shit Mer, you are beat up. " I replied to the ghost in the mirror " but I'm still standing mother fucker!"

I realized that I had picked up the sailor language of my late brother who recently passed away from cancer. I laughed out loud and thanked him for inspiring toughness in me as a child sibling. I also notice just how much I looked like him, without my breasts and hair.

I have always been a bit of a tom boy but this day, I felt like I was genderless. Just some creature transitioning through this world. I realized that much of what makes a woman feel feminine had been taken from me by the beast. Cancer has a way of stripping you down to your essence, which I found has very little to do with hair and boobs. Loosing my hair and breasts was humbling beyond words. No one ever thinks that such extreme things will happen to them and when you are wrong,  it is indeed traumatizing.

Trauma changes your perspective and deepens your thoughts about the way you spend  your life.  I have always been  a nurturer and have mothered many kids in addition to my own. My favorite role in life is that of mother. The thought of my children being orphans  strikes a raw nerve in me that makes me cry every time I think of it. It also motivates me to work hard at wellness. It was key in my decision to take a sabbatical from work and try to tweak out a life that is more in keeping with my feminine motherly instincts. They say that when a person looses one of their senses, that the others perk up and make up for it. I dare say, that loosing some of the aspects of my femininity to the beast, has most definitely perked my mothering instincts. I have also learned that darkness is always balanced with light. This, I love.



Tomorrow: The side affect no one talks about, "chemo brain"

Loosing my hair from Chemo- a spiritual epiphany

The first time I did chemo I was very lucky to not use my hair. I felt a bit smug like I had beat the odds.  Unfortunately when I had to do chemo for the second time, it was with a much more toxic cocktail and I was told without a doubt I would loose my hair. I tried to prepare the best I could with a nice collection of hats and scarves, and even a  piece of fake bangs to clip on to the front of a scarf. I thought I was as prepared as I could be, but nothing prepared me for what happened the day it came out.

I woke up to a pillow full of long blond strands. I was afraid to go look in the mirror and it took me some time to get up the courage. I was spotty with clumps still in tact but when I would  put my hand in my hair it would come away full. Looking every bit as hideous as I had imagined, I stood there stunned, suddenly full of my reality.

The wind was blowing outside so I decided to just go outside and shake my head. I went to one of my gardens where a garden angel looks after my plantings. She has hands that cup and I put a huge glob of hair there for the birds to retrieve and use for nests. I thought, something good has to come out of this very humbling experience. I did cry, and asked the universe to help me understand why this was happening to me. I felt I had already had my share of stress and hard times.

It was then that a puff of air blew a good portion of my hair into the wind. I watched it go and a profound thought came to me. If I could let go of past hurts and resentments, it would go a long way towards my total healing. Suddenly I wanted the hair off. I started rubbing my head with all my might and each time I looked up there was hair flying away. With each glance I imagined all kinds of things leaving me, hate, grudges, past indiscretions. All gone with the wind. I returned to the house bald, but with an unburdened spirit.

 I knew in an instant that I had been given a gift. Most people never have the reason to look deeply into their own soul. Breast cancer makes you do that.

Common chemo therapy drugs for breast cancer

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer I was suddenly faced with making some very serious decisions about which treatments I would select. The amount of information was very overwhelming and most of it written in giant scientific terms that made it hard to understand. This post will simplify the common drugs and discuss the decision making process. Most of them are called by the first initial of their name and will be administered in a variety of cocktails ( more than one at once).
Here is a list:
A: Adriamycin
C: Cytoxin
E: Ellence
F: Flurouracil
M: Methotrexate
T: Taxane

Common cocktails are: AC, TC, TAC, AT, CAF, CMF, EC, FEC

The reason these are used in combos is because each one combats cancer in a different way, and it is believed wise to hit it from several approaches at once. Most times the decision of which cocktail has two factors. The effectiveness of that cocktail, with your type of diagnosis, are weighed against the side effects. Each drug has its own set of dangers, so it is not an easy decision. I would encourage anyone facing these decisions to look up each drug and make some notes. Spend some time thinking about it before you just commit. For example, Adriamycin is known for is high risk of heart damage, yet it is highly effective.

The first time I did chemo I chose CMF mainly based on the fact that this combo is a bit milder than the others and with stage one, I figured good enough. Plus, the chances of loosing my hair with this combo was significantly less that with the others. I was scared to death of loosing my hair.

When I had a second recurrence I was really terrified that the first chemo had not worked and told the oncologist to pull out the big cannons. I decided on the Taxotere and Cytoxin combo. About the strongest combo you can get.
I almost died of the side effects after the first dose, and I did loose my hair.

Tomorrow: I will write about what it was like when I lost my hair. That experience held a secret gift.