Loosing my hair from Chemo- a spiritual epiphany

The first time I did chemo I was very lucky to not use my hair. I felt a bit smug like I had beat the odds.  Unfortunately when I had to do chemo for the second time, it was with a much more toxic cocktail and I was told without a doubt I would loose my hair. I tried to prepare the best I could with a nice collection of hats and scarves, and even a  piece of fake bangs to clip on to the front of a scarf. I thought I was as prepared as I could be, but nothing prepared me for what happened the day it came out.

I woke up to a pillow full of long blond strands. I was afraid to go look in the mirror and it took me some time to get up the courage. I was spotty with clumps still in tact but when I would  put my hand in my hair it would come away full. Looking every bit as hideous as I had imagined, I stood there stunned, suddenly full of my reality.

The wind was blowing outside so I decided to just go outside and shake my head. I went to one of my gardens where a garden angel looks after my plantings. She has hands that cup and I put a huge glob of hair there for the birds to retrieve and use for nests. I thought, something good has to come out of this very humbling experience. I did cry, and asked the universe to help me understand why this was happening to me. I felt I had already had my share of stress and hard times.

It was then that a puff of air blew a good portion of my hair into the wind. I watched it go and a profound thought came to me. If I could let go of past hurts and resentments, it would go a long way towards my total healing. Suddenly I wanted the hair off. I started rubbing my head with all my might and each time I looked up there was hair flying away. With each glance I imagined all kinds of things leaving me, hate, grudges, past indiscretions. All gone with the wind. I returned to the house bald, but with an unburdened spirit.

 I knew in an instant that I had been given a gift. Most people never have the reason to look deeply into their own soul. Breast cancer makes you do that.